Happily Ever After

What's with wanting happy endings?! I know m a big sucker for one! Hell I would want a happy beginning, a happy mid way n well a happy ending too!! Now, that would make the world a boring place! A very boring place actually, so probably some challenges in the between but definitely a happy happy ending.. For all..

The world around, though, is not probably perfect.. All probably do not get the happy ending they are all looking at.. Especially in today's world.. Such a cynical, cynical place.. A place where people like me are probably laughed at, called a fool..

Probably I am stupid in wanting it some ways.. Probably just kiddish on my part not wanting to grow up..

But I do believe the world needs some believers like me.. People who hope against the hope hopen.. To keep it going round n round.. 

Player or Coach?

I am a natural coach. A teacher and supporter combined. I have the qualities that make me the go to person when somebody needs a boost up.. I have the ability to push, pull, prod and bring out the best in the people around me. God I am even the best guy to have the front seat to guide the driver around n get to the finish line first.. A natural..

And it is at this thought that I feel conflicted.. I like being the coach.. It gives me a great sense of satisfaction in having made the difference in people's lives. Probably an destined to be a great and succesful coach in whatever way.. But thats not what I want for today. Thats not who I wish to be for today. I wish to be the player.. The star player.. N I can be a great player too! After all countless number of times I have been told by those who look out for me that I am a man of potential. Probably it's time to live up to the potential. Get myself a coach if necessary. And be the star player. Right now.

Re-born

I wish to be reborn. Not reborn from an infant to where I am today. Not wanting to redo things already done differently. Just wanting to reboot. Be a new man, without the baggage of the past..
Without the habits I have..
Without the patterns and the moulds I am set in..

Explore all that is new.. Take out that bucket list and tick it all off.. And then make a new one..

Life is one of endless possibilities.. For me at a time 4-5 years from now it definitely was.. I just want it again..

Things that are shackling me right now I know are only in my mind.. And to do all things the only person to fight and break free from is me.. This I know.. I just have to do it now..

The resignation seems to have been the first step towards breaking the rut.. And this blog the second.. Wish me luck for the next steps too..

Just so....

Am just so afraid... of whr i am today... of wht i am today.. n wht has become.. the way it has become..... okay.. confusing...

am afraid of growing up... n that I have grown to whatever extent I have... Most of it has been forced.. unreal... In my life I have always had somebody to look up to... Mostly my father.. Some parts my teachers at school... I have forever had a guide.. amazing ones.. really brainy and capable ones.. And now I have none.. Okay probably not none.. but not in the ways like before.. I have none to guide the family... everywhere else its become so sick... Everything I do now has bigger consequences and there is not many to help... I have but to fend myself..

I have always had an inner child.. I guess everybody does.. But mine I had preserved... Coz in it alone I saw sanity.. Felt so safe n nice n comforting... Now slowly beginning to accept and realise stuff.. But its scary.. Sometimes I feel I could be that kid.. Sometimes I feel like curling in my bed and staying there forever...

What am most afraid of is not finding somebody to be along side me in this journey of mine.. I have friends.. Great ones.. but i seem to have reached a point whr no one really understands me completely.. and the chance of finding that person, friend is just a dim light in the darkness of the forest...  Afraid...

Well i was really vella ok!!

The Creation of a state of naturalness in all our books and movies is but a strive to create a 'perceived' state of naturalness by the masses.. The creation of the absolute state of naturalness is not just impossible but the attempt worthless (as it would not be acceptable to the masses!!!)

For centuries this has been the 'excuse' for the failure of any creation - tht it was probably ahead of its time and hence failed...

A creator (well, according to me.. ahem) creates for two reasons - one for his audience... His motivation is their acceptance and their cherishing his creation.. In this case the only way to create is to go out and find out what his audience seeks, create it and deliver it in the exact same way the audience seeks it... The second one is where the creation exists for just one purpose - the creator.. His creation when meets his expectations, motivates him.. If you aint following any of these two paths, you only seek to fail..  You might even achieve both but we know what would be required for that...

P.s. - if u have managed to read till here, then let me inform you - U r as vella as i am!!!!

Tht i promise you...

The most important thing to me was my selfworth, confidence and feeling good about myself... I thought nobody could take it away from me..

But in the last few months, every day has been such a struggle..  I wake up feeling wanting to go into oblivion... Through the day the feeling worsens and the day becomes a burden i cannot take anymore.. At such a point, i start to motivate myself... try give myself the me i deserve in my thoughts..  The cresendo is always at the station mind you.. Go to sleep with a promise of different tomorrow..  Dream about my thoughts and fears through the day.. and the next day i wake up again hoping rather to the trip to oblivion...

Why m i sayin any of this?? Coz i have had enough.. thr was a day when i was somebody.. most importantly i was a somebody nice and good to myself... Those days shall come again i promise you... fight i shall...  The world shall see again the true "Badri's way of life!!!!"  Tht i promise you....

wht did i ever do to deserve any of this.........

these days any negative or sad thought kinda sends a roller coaster effect...  everything then comes back again n again..
Job
Friendship
family
love
everything so screwd up....  fuck man.. look at tht list.. wht else is left in life..  whtever i may have been i bloody well know i did not deserve this..  a "best" friend who doesnt give anymore coz she doesnt "expect". You have to be fucking understanding to everybody inspite of the fact tht u r tryin to cope up wid a broken heart, no proper job and dead father!!!

If you r thinking wht is makin me say all this right now, well...  our juniors gave a farewell today.. my farewell and i just cant be thr..  man.. wht wud i have not given to just be thr today... yeah then it went to my job front and then strtd thinkin abt you know who.. and then abt shrr..

wht wud i not give to go to a NORMAL mba college with nice good friends get a nice job thru campus lead an INDEPENDENT life of my own...

The biggest part is tht everybody just looks down at you when u r just tryin to vent your frustration sayin "dude dont make a fuss.". "whts the big deal!!" and its all your fault.. u shud have done this and tht....  tlk all ideal situation stuff with high morals...   i just have to act sad n understanding n i dunno wht else to have their support.. ppl have a habit of sayin exactly the opposite of wht u said.. so they can just say SOMETHING ATLEAST....

GODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!  just wht the hell did i do to deserve this just tell me tht.... just go to hell...