i had put up this blog 4 days back and then removed it coz it was very close... now i dunno...

I want to run and run for as many miles as I can till I get so exhausted that I shall collapse. Right now. But that’s a thought for just the now. By the time I finish this blog I know will be okay.. 

Probably it because I did not mourn him properly.. Hell, who am I kiddin.. I didn’t mourn at all.. Didn’t give myself too much of an opportunity to think.. There is a lot work to be done, lot of things to be taken care of and in such situations there definitely needs to be someone to be of some support, I see that.. There was a moment sometime back when some thoughts came –survivors guilt or whatever, managed to tlk it out.. there have been some situations where I have been in verge of tears, but managed those too..

Even the smallest of things seems to trigger a sense of being overburdened. I normal circumstances it would have just been a hassle that could be easily taken care of, but not it feels like it would take everything out  of me to just get through.. Frustrating.. feel like just exhaustin myself out and loosin all my senses..  Its just a  temporary stage though.. I then tell myself to relax, breathe, talk myself out of it, do “self-encouragement” and then am fine. If during this time anybody tlks to me they normally are at the receiving end..

Its so damn different now.. My dad was much smarter than me.. Screw the age difference and experience crap.. Inspite of all that I am sure I can never beat him. He was my “How things work” guide..  Everything ranging from business to politics to people I could clear my doubts with him.. Lotta things I used to make a note in my mind that I would ask him later in the evening when we meet.. Its scary now.. We were a good team. I have often dreamed that one day we could team up and outsmart the world because of our complementary skills. It’s a void now and still don’t intend to think too much of it.. hmm..

Amit said throughout his trip that I now need to strt sharing wid my mum. Against my natural instinct but hell lotta things have changed.. will give this a try..

Sometimes I just wish I had a friend like myself. Somebody with the intent and capability to look out for me..  I feel like shouting out I don’t deserve this..  whatever has happened till date.. But once I think that, I just feel too selfish.. damn..

Anyways… Chow for now..

P.S. – I know it’s a blog.. wasn’t goin to blog about any of this.. But somethings are better out than in..